Singleness: Getting Personal Up in Here

The fun things about this outfit:

1. Shirt - Hand-Me-Down

2. Skirt- Thrifted

3. Necklace - Thrifted

4. Belt - Thrifted

Brace yourselves, folks. I'm about to get right down to it and dive into 

something real personal...feelings & stuff ya know?

Topic at hand:

"AAAWWW I'm Single"

So I may or may not have mentioned this giant fact before. 

But if you didn't know... Now you do. I'm single. 

The Back Story. Here's the thing. I have a huge desire to be married. I didn't always. In high school I thought it was silly that girls looked through wedding magz and knew what all the cuts of a diamond were called. What on earth were they doing with their lives? They were teenagers for goodness sake. But when my high school boyfriend and I kept dating on & off through college, I started to think it wasn't so far fetched to stay with someone forever. At that time I was not a follower of Jesus (If you read my blog on the regular, you know that now I do follow Jesus). We even started to talk about marriage. Although sometime along the way I realized that I was talking... He was just blank staring at me. Around the time of that realization, I started to pursue truth. I knew something was missing in my life, that up until then, I'd been trying to find in this relationship. In June 2009, for the first time out of 7 total break ups, I broke it off with Mr. Not-right-for-me. (Please know I'm not dissing this guy.) Two days later I headed off to a month of volunteering as a housekeeper at a camp 3 hrs away from all that I knew with no ties to the outside world... GULP... During that month away though, I found the truth I'd been searching for. I met my rock and asked Jesus to take over, because clearly I was failing at doing life.

I headed home, found a job where I didn't have to work Sundays, and plugged myself right into a church to make sure I had help learning what I had made a commitment to. And I never left. My church is packed with some of the most compassionate people I've ever met. And quite honestly, they're real. No one is walking around pretending they've got life figured out. We're just people, looking to Christ to guide us as life quickly comes at us. 

Here's the thing. I never stopped wanting to be married. My lovely church is filled with families. In fact, I think the number of kiddos will soon outnumber the adults. There's a running joke that **It's in the water** 

You know what isn't in the water... anywhere?
Singleness.

Singleness is such a loaded word. It comes packed full of assumptions, feelings, and responsibilities. When I'm reminded that I'm single, I'm reminded that I go home alone at night. I'm reminded that my heart sometimes aches to know the one who God has planned for me or aches to think it may not be in His plans at all. I'm reminded that I sometimes I have way to much time on my hands. I'm reminded that I don't have someone consistently checking in on me...(besides you mom. I know you're always checking in on me) I'm reminded of my nervous energy when I wonder if God somehow forgot about me. I'm reminded, that hardly anyone else is reminded. I'm reminded that people assume I must be dating someone when I'm really not. I'm reminded that since June 2009 I have not been asked on a single date. I'm reminded that most don't think their single jokes are at the expense of my heart. 

I told you it was a loaded word.

Don't get the wrong idea here. In all of those reminders, I'm also reminded that I am loved by the one who created me. And I'm reminded that His plans are perfect. I am treasuring my singleness and trying to make the most of my time because if the desires of my heart do come true, my time will no longer be only at the disposal of my own whims and plans. I understand that it is a gift to pursue things without attachments. I can fully serve Christ in ways that may not be realistic to a married woman or a momma. I can seriously meet you for coffee at a moments notice. I can spend a lot of time with high school girls (who are amazing). I'm not trying to wallow in self grief or pity parties. But there is a reality of hurt that exists without falling into the category of woh-is-me type attitudes. 

So for now I'm Single. I know that God will give me what I can handle. And apparently right now He knows that I can handle singleness. So I'll continue pouring time into young ladies at the high school. I'll continue (to try) to develop my talents and skills. And I will refuse to feel like I'm in limbo until Mr. Man-of-God arrives on his injured donkey and in his rusty armor after the battle he himself has been through before meeting me. I will live for Christ while I wait on Him.

Here are a few things I know: 

God is good. 

He loves me. 

I am a daughter of the King of kings. 

When I am discouraged or lonely (and let's be honest single ladies, it happens), 

I will look to Jesus and have confidence that He knows what He is doing.

I hope my bla bla bla about this was more of a glance into who I am than some sort deterrent.

And...Now you know.

1 Corinthians 7:34a

And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.